After a tearful farewell to Will I
take go through security and get in the queue to have my carry on bag scanned
(no tins of grisly meat this time so it should be a pain free process). I've put my stuff in a tray and removed all
my metallic items and am waiting next to another gentleman waiting to go
through the metal detector. There are 3
members of security staff on the other side, one is distracted with a crying
child and the other 2 are chatting to each other. Every 5 sentences or so one of the ladies
steals herself away enough from the riveting chat about what the other one’s
boyfriend/child/favourite East Enders character did last night to pull someone
through the scanner before engrossing herself in the conversation again. The man next to me is clearly getting
agitated and releases a few loud exhales of breath but no one notices and we
still stand there waiting.
“It’s ok, it’s not like we’ve got a
plane to catch or anything” I say to him, to which he loudly and strongly
agrees and at an equal decibel level questions why we are still waiting after a good 4 minutes of
nothing happening with more and more people sending their bags through the
x-ray to add to the ever increasing pile up at the other end of the conveyor belt. Anyone with quick eyes and legs could have
made off with a few laptops in this time!
The wailing child is still going
strong and it honestly sounds like someone had taken his new puppy and is
disembowelling it infront of him.
“Bloody hell is someone murdering
that child?!” I say to the man next to me.
“I mean come on, give it a rest!” After I have (audibly) shared this
opinion with him we are both promptly called through the metal detector and i
am faced with the source of the almost suicidal wailing we’ve been privy to for
the last 6-7 minutes; a very clearly mentally handicapped woman. Well played, McKay. Well played.
After collecting my stuff and
(briskly) walking to the gate I accept the obvious situation I knew I would be
faced with after my previous comment; the wailer and her carer/sister/friend
awaiting to board the same plane. Of course
she’s on my plane! And I bet no doubt
she’s in the seat behind me just so she can bang my chair all the way there to
seal my punishment.
Luckily for me it seems my
embarrassment and shame was punishment enough and she wasn’t in the same
section of the plane as me; she was in Business Class.
There was of course the standard
issue crying baby as always but my annoyance at that was outdone by the
aero-hole next to me.
Aero-hole, definition: the pompus twat
generally found on long-haul flights who obviously flies a lot for work and
thinks he’s important (but not important enough for Business Class mind!) and
generally just knows it all.
I sear, if the pilot dropped dead
this dude would be on his feet offering to fly us all home and ‘would do a damn
better job that that useless cad before me was!” They’re doing the compulsory safety briefing
and he’s not listening, he’s reading a book and listening to music. Hey there dick sponge, I think you’ll find
the announcement asked everybody to listen even if you’re a frequent
flyer! He’s standing up and faffing in
the luggage hold after the air hostess’s have been asked to take their seat for
take off. They took one look at him and
knew he was an air-hole and just let him satisfy himself, he soon sat down
after making his point to the entire plane that he’s beyond such silly
restrictions! He also left his seatbelt
off until the plane was literally taking off.
They had to turn the lights down for take-off procedure and as soon as
they do his seat is reclined. Jeez,
buddy, what is this, some kind of silent protest to all airline
legislation? I wouldn't have been
surprised if he’d just sparked up a fag right there in his seat. I sear if he was next to a window you can
guarantee that blind would have been down.
Throughout the entire journey not a
single one of his exchanges with the air crew started with a please nor ended
with a thank you. So unbelievably rude
and arrogant. As we were coming into
land I was leaning in to say to him “Do you realise you have not said please or
thank you for this entire flight?” when I saw he was handing me a stick of
chewing gum. Damn him! Just when I wanted to highlight what a prick
he was. I thankfully take the chewing
gum as my ears pop like a bitch when we land and was considering forgiving him
of maybe a couple of his objectionable actions....when I realise it’s
watermelon flavour, and lets me honest, only pricks eat fruit flavoured chewing
gum. So nothing is forgiven and he’s still an asshole.
Economy on an Emirates flight is
quite impressive. We had USB sockets to
allow us to plug in iPhones/Pods/Pads/Cameras and anything else that runs
through a USB outlet and we also had plug sockets in the end of the arm rests
too! I like that! There was the usual impressive plethora of
new films only recently finished in the cinema (I opted for Men in Black 3
before I took a tactical nap) plus lots of TV shows and games. Dinner was served, salmon starter, lamb
medallions for main and a banofee pie and cheese and biscuits for desert, and
we ate with metal, yes metal,cutlery. We
also had hot towels handed out twice and we all love a hot towel. I can see why this airline wins awards!
Only downside would be no wifi. After my Norwegian flight I was convinced
that if wifi on a plane was achievable Emirates would have already have it
nailed. Disappointed I was. It seems a few flights offer it but not all,
and when it is offered you have to pay for it.
So despite all the good things,
that’s still a point to Norwegian short haul.
Emirates 5678; Norwegian 1.
Arrived in Dubai for a 2hour
stopover. It’s so frustrating seeing the
Dubai skyline out of a bleeding window knowing how close you are but you can’t
go out there and explore. I did ask at
the time of booking my flight if I could stop over for a couple of days but
apparently there was no availability on the flights.
Got in the inevitable queue for the
ladies toilet (after walking far too far to find it in the first place, past so
many shops selling all sorts of stuff except the one thing I wanted; a drink!) I'm now starting to get a headache from my lack of
fluids.
I arrive at the front of the toilet
queue and whilst trying to distract myself from the woman behind me who is constantly
jabbering to herself the entire time and pushing me closer and closer to the
point where I’m going to turn around and tell her to pipe down I notice the
sanitary vending machine next to me with a sign on saying ‘Sorry, out of
order. Please use the machine next to
the hand-dryers”. I look to the hand-dryers
on my left and what’s next to them? Paper towels! I don’t know if that message was written
wrong or it was meant to be some kind of joke.
If it’s meant to be a joke then it is quite funny!
After taking a satisfyingly long
time in the toilet to freshen up after the long flight with a big queue waiting I head out and finally find somewhere that sells drinks....and then
remember I have no Dirhams so I have to pay for a £2 drink with my Visa, which
will probably cost me another £2 on top of that. I opted for a smoothie to get my money’s
worth.
Surprisingly there wasn't any free wifi
in Dubai’s airport either. One wanted to
pretend it was free but then just never worked.
Teasing me with its offer to provide me with Whatsapp and Facebook and
then making me wait and wait but never delivering. So harsh.
Time to board the plane and I
realise quickly that I picked the wrong leg of the journey to sleep one. There are no power points on this one to run
my laptop off and the touch screen on my entertainment system doesn't work. I manage to get Mission Impossible
up on the screen and they bring round dinner; normal salad, fish curry and
profiteroles. A big step down from the
previous meal (excluding the profiteroles, they were great). I drift off to sleep for a few minutes and
wake with a start as you sometimes do when you've not been deeply asleep but my
lap tray was still down with my orange juice on it. So as I bolt awake my left leg jolts and
smashes into the laptray above, waking up the French dude next to me and
spilling my cup of orange juice that was on the tray.
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